Beyond Measure
by QueenCheetah
Summary: Even returning from the afterlife can't stop a duelist's competitive spirit... but Yami Bakura may very well drive his poor landlord insane with his latest obsession... Rated 'M' for seriously adult themes and bad humor- no lemon, sorry! (Suggested BxR YYxY YMxM)


(Just a warning, this story is quite NSFW, despite the lack of lemon. I'd normally put this in the 'drabbles' section, but I want to keep that K-T rated. This is also pure crack, and I sincerely apologize for my deranged sense of humor. I offer no excuses. Um...enjoy?)

" _That accursed_ _Pharaoh_! He's beaten me for the _last time_!" The white-haired duelist snarled as he ranted about his ancient rival. His scarlet eyes were narrowed as he fumed. He'd been pacing around the living room for the past half hour, and it was starting to wear on his hikari's nerves.

"And just _what_ , exactly, did Yami do now?" Ryou tiredly asked his infuriated partner. Even after being returned from the afterlife (mainly due to the Pharaoh's own sacrifice, which made the pair more or less 'even'), his insatiable yami still dreamed of one-upping his reanimated foe.

But Bakura ignored his other half, practically spitting as he swore his retaliation. "I must plan my revenge- something that he will NEVER be able to defeat me in!"

"What about tiddlywinks?" The bored student suggested dryly. As much as he loved to listen to his other half's misguided contentions, he had homework and chores to finish.

"No, I must assure my victory through something far more grand than 'kiddy winks.'" The former spirit retorted. "It must be something irrefutable, something he cannot turn around or nullify at the last second."

Annoyed, Ryou sardonically added, "well, there's always a 'measuring contest'- you'd surely beat him in that."

The distracted thief waved one hand in dismissal. "Tch, _that_ poses no contest- the tiresome twerp has always been devoid of height. I'm half surprised he didn't try to somehow wear heels back in the old days."

Ryou's face flushed as he explained his statement. "...um, actually, I was talking about measuring one _particular_ appendage... I mean, overall height is obvious enough... but I'm sure you'd beat him _there_ , too..."

The dark duelist scowled as he pondered this newest suggestion. "Oh sure, but how do _you_ know? I mean, you've seen _mine_ plenty of times, but you've never... seen..." His face paled as he lost all rational thought. Bakura positively yelped as he voiced one of his worst fears. " _HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING WITH THE PHARAOH?!_ "

Frustrated, the other duelist flatly nodded. "Yes Bakura, I've been secretly seeing your oldest rival every night behind your and Yugi's backs. We're actually engaged, and going to be married soon. I'm also pregnant with his love child. I'm due in seven weeks."

The once-Thief King raised an eyebrow before adding: "you're mocking me, aren't you."

"Not at all. Our wedding and baby registries are both available at the local retail stores ' _Yes_ I'mMockingYou' and 'NoDuhYouGoof.'"

Still grumbling, the foiled yami grabbed his black leather jacket before heading outside. "I'm going to settle this once and for all!" The angry duelist loudly declared before slamming the front door closed behind him.

Ryou sighed as the pictures on the wall finally stopped rattling. "Yes, whatever." He had chores to do, and quite frankly, it would be nice to have the house to himself for a while. Whenever Bakura got into one of his 'I _must_ best the Pharaoh!' moods, he became nearly insufferable until something else came along to distract him. Ryou sighed again as he found the kitchen broom. 'Best to let him get some of that energy out now. I just hope whatever distracts him this time comes about soon...'

An hour later, Ryou was still cleaning up the kitchen when he heard a familiar sound. It was the melodic beeping of his own cell phone. The pale hikari closed the dishwasher and quickly answered the call.  
"Moshi-moshi!"

"Um, Ryou?" A fairly high-pitched but recognizable voice replied. "It's Yugi- er, your other half is over here, and I don't know _exactly_ what's going on, but-"

The game king was interrupted by a loud bellow from somewhere behind him.

" _RA-DAMMIT, PHARAOH! JUST SHOW ME YOUR D*CK!"_

" _Um, did Bakura_ _t_ _ry_ _any illegal drugs lately?_ " Yugi worriedly lowered his voice to a tense whisper.

Ryou put his phone down before cursing aloud. "Oh... s***." He then groaned and put a palm over his face before holding the phone back up. "Yugi-kun, I am so, _SO_ sorry. This is all just a big misunderstanding... I'll be right over."

There was a loud bellow from Yami, and then the sound of something crashing to the floor.

" _Please hurry!"_

Meanwhile, the two ancient Egyptians were still tussling in the Motou's small living room. So far only a small vase and an old lamp had been broken, but the flat-screen TV wobbled threateningly on its stand as the two combatants struggled.

Bakura had somehow ended up with the zipper pull from the Pharaoh's pants; but he'd also gotten a rather sharp kick to the ribs, along with a black eye. Meanwhile, the bewildered Yami was trying to figure out how to stop the deranged maniac from molesting him while keeping him safely away from his aibou.

Neither of the brawlers heard the front door suddenly open.

" _ **BAKURA! "**_

The former Thief King paused. He recognized that threatening tone. That was Ryou's punishing 'we're not having sex for a week' tone. He felt his throat tighten nervously. Hearing that voice was his second biggest fear.

His first and greatest fear, of course, was Ryou's much harsher 'we're not having sex for a month' tone. He'd only heard that one _once_ , but he'd quickly learned that cold Japanese nights did not excuse 'crafting' a fireplace where one did not currently exist within the household.

Not wanting to sound nervous in front of the Pharaoh, Bakura tried to reply stoically. "Yes, hikari?"

" _Just WHAT do you_ think you're doing _?_ " Ryou hissed acridly.

"Proving my point!" The white-haired yami glared as he gestured towards the disheveled Yami.

"The thief's finally lost it." The former ruler scowled as he brushed off his outfit. "I was just sitting here, sorting through some new cards with my aibou, when that maniacal miscreant picked the front lock and assaulted me!"

"Some 'King of Games'." Bakura snorted disdainfully. "You always said you'd never refuse a challenge- and I challenged you to a 'measuring contest'!"

" _I THOUGHT YOU MEANT MY HEIGHT!"_

Yugi peered around the kitchen door-frame, clearly unsure if it was safe to enter. "Er, Yami? Everything alright now?"

"NO, we still haven't settled things!" Bakura rudely interrupted before anyone else could reply.

"Just... stay there a little longer, aibou." The Pharaoh tiredly answered. "This should be over soon."

Ryou sighed and pulled out a small measuring tape device from his jeans. "Yami, I'm sorry to bother you, but could you hold out your right hand for a moment?"

Confused, the battered duelist nodded and held out a flattened hand. Meanwhile, Ryou took a firm hold of his own partner's arm and held Bakura's mitt out flat as well. The slender hikari quickly put the opened tape measure against the ancient Pharaoh's index finger.

"Scientific data shows that there is a direct, measurable ratio linking a guy's index finger length to the length of his... well, you know." His face tinted slightly as he took the measurements of both duelists' digits. "Yami's index is about 3 3/4" long, and Bakura's index is... 4" long."

" **HA!"** The ecstatic thief rudely pointed at his worn-out rival and declared, " _I BEAT YOU_ , _Pharaoh_ , fair and square! _YOU LOSE!_ "

Exhausted, Yami simply closed his eyes and retorted, "I honestly don't care, so long as it means you'll finally leave us alone from now on!"

But before the other Egyptian could respond, the front doorbell rang several times in a row. Yugi perked up at the summons. "Oh, that's right- Malik and Marik asked if they could drop by! We just got the latest shipment of Duel Monsters packs in the shop and I invited them over to choose some new cards." He smiled as he ran from the kitchen to answer the door.

"I hope they don't mind choosing from a very damaged selection." Yami replied sharply as he stared at the flipped table in the center of the living room. Countless Duel Monsters cards had been strewn about in the melee, several now bearing 'battle scars' in the form of dents and scratches.

"Tch- I've wrought grim devastation and terror that scarred the very sands of time- you think _this_ is even worth noting?" Bakura gestured around the room with one arm. He sounded almost offended by the other's judgment of his latest 'destruction.' The thief then began stepping about the room, casually picking up the fallen cards (most of which were surreptitiously slipped into his own pocket, rather than joining the stack already seated on the still-upright side-table).

Meanwhile, Ryou slowly sidled up to the badly fatigued Egyptian. "Um, are you alright, Yami?"

The past monarch glared at his distracted rival before nodding. "I'm fine. I'm glad you and Yugi stayed of it- that fool may be welcomed in your home, but I am quickly growing tired of his frequent 'disruptions' here."

"If I might humbly suggest investing in a Hanaka deadbolt- it's the one kind of lock he hasn't figured out yet." Ryou quietly confided.

The past monarch raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

Meanwhile, Yugi had greeted the two blonde Egyptians, and had brought them both into the living room.

"Whoa- what the heck happened here?!" Malik gasped when he saw the aftermath of the scrimmage.

Marik surveyed the wreckage without comment- evidently, he wasn't impressed.

"We were having a 'measuring contest'," the ancient tomb robber pointed between himself and his rival, "-and Ryou got all pissed. Apparently he thinks it's 'inappropriate' to ask someone to let you measure their junk." Bakura concluded without further explanation.

"Wha- _why_ would you..." Malik's left eyebrow twitched as he tried to make sense of this strange statement.

Marik was also looking bemused, but he only tilted his head and asked: "What kind of junk were you measuring?"

"I really don't need to hear this..." Ryou admitted as he and the two Game Kings retreated to the kitchen. Marik often needed clarification on modern slang, and they'd all had enough 'measuring' for one day. The trio could faintly hear Bakura giving a quick explanation of just what exactly was being 'measured' in the contest.

Malik felt his stomach drop, and he tried to turn to his overly-competitive partner to say something. But the bronzed hikari was a second too late- with a wide grin, Marik proudly unzipped his denim jeans and declared with a flourish, "Count me in."

The trio in the kitchen suddenly heard a strangled noise from the living room- rather like a cross between a howl and a screech- followed by a series of rapid footsteps flying up the stairs.

"Oh dear..." Ryou recognized the gait, and made his way to the upstairs bathroom. Sure enough, he could hear the tell-tale sounds of retching before he even reached the upper landing. "Bakura?" The polite hikari called out as he opened the partly-closed bathroom door.

The so-named thief was currently leaned over the porcelain throne, looking equal parts disheveled and nauseous.

Ryou tapped one foot against the white tile floor as he stared at his indisposed partner. "And did you learn a lesson today, yami?"

Bakura only made a miserable groan before slumping to the floor in a wretched pile of regret. "Yesss..."

"Good." Ryou replied firmly as he watched from the door frame. "You can have a minute to compose yourself, and then we're heading home- normally I'd insist that you apologize to Yugi and Yami first, but at this point I'm guessing they just want you out of here as fast as possible."

"Mpth." The former Thief King let out a single grunt that sounded like reluctant assent. Ryou leaned against the door, waiting as the last denizen of the Millennium Ring struggled to his feet. His face was still rather green as his hikari guided him carefully down the home's carpeted steps.

The two white-haired duelists found that everyone else had gathered in the living room again.

Thankfully, Marik was decent again (at least in terms of social modesty) and Malik was still face-palming.

Yugi looked mortified, and his lower lip trembled as he addressed Ryou. "I'm really sorry! I didn't realize that Marik would want to join in the 'challenge'-!"

Yami, meanwhile, was actually rolling on the floor, tears streaming down his face as he struggled to control his deep laughter.

Marik looked rather bewildered, and turned to his lighter half. "So... did I win?"

The shorter blonde gave an exasperated look towards his darker side before confirming: "Yes. Yes, Marik- you won."

Marik gave a victorious smirk while his partner shook his platinum locks in disbelief. "Ra help us..."

"Yugi, I also need to apologize- and there's something I need to ask you-" The two pale youths began discussing something while the others struggled with their own composure. Ryou was able to talk with Yugi for a few minutes, but he was eventually forced to wrap up the conversation when Bakura mentioned he felt nauseous again. Apparently the Pharaoh's uncontrollable laughter wasn't appeasing his stomach much.

So the Ryou bid the others 'farewell' while his slightly-green partner held onto his arm. They left, Yami's roaring laughter still audible after they'd shut the front door.

Still queasy, the former outlaw stayed close to his hikari as they headed home. "I'm gonna have nightmares every d*mn night from now on."

"Good. You deserve to, after the stunt you pulled today." Ryou firmly replied.

"I _told_ you where I was going." The thief muttered sullenly.

" **Yes** , but I didn't think you were crazy enough to to force Yami into a literal dong measuring contest with you! You broke a bunch of the Motou's furniture and ruined countless cards!"

"They can get more cards- they own a _game shop_ , for Osiris' sake."

Ryou felt his shoulders tense in indignation. "That still doesn't excuse the monetary damages you've done- and _you ARE_ going to pay them back."

"Oh yeah?" The woozy yami snorted, clearly unimpressed with this threat. "And how, _exactly_ , would I do that?"

"Well, first I suggested that you 'work off' the debt by doing things in the Kame Game shop. But then Yugi pointed out that Grandpa is well aware of your 'Thief King' moniker, and would hardly want you lurking about his shop..."

The victorious grin on Bakura's face was quickly squashed under the weight of Ryou's next statement.

"So instead, you're going to handle the unloading of all their shipments for the next several weeks- every time they get a major stock delivery, you'll manually unload all the boxes so Yami and Yugi don't have to."

The curse breaker's grin returned just slightly... the former tomb robber could sense a silver lining to this task...

"Oh, but don't worry!" The pale hikari added in a syrupy-sweet tone. "Yugi and Yami will still be there every time, watching every move you make- just to be sure you aren't tempted to 'slip a few items' on the side. Rather like you tried to when you 'cleaned up' earlier." Ryou added pointedly.

Bakura's face fell flat as he quickly felt his jean pocket, only to find that it was empty. Somehow, his devious little hikari had noticed his card thievery, managed to distract him, and reverse-pick-pocketed the Thief King.

Honestly, if he wasn't so annoyed, he'd be impressed.

"You little brat."

"Sorry Bakura, but you can't keep destroying and taking things without paying for them!" The frustrated teen tried to sound stern as he rebuked the queasy tomb robber. Bakura snorted in annoyance- his lighter side was impossibly naive as always.

"Tch- at least I accomplished my goal today." The arrogant thief grinned as he reflected on his triumph over the insufferable Pharaoh.

"Well, I must admit; you've certainly proved one thing today." Ryou conceded. "You are truly, without a _doubt_ , the biggest pr*ck **I've** ever met."

Bakura's face broke out into a proud smirk, but it soon faded as he realized the underlying insinuation. _"HEY!"_


End file.
